the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
