Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
