My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
