I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
