It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
