cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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