I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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