I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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