dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
