My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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