I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
