SEEEEXXX PLEASE
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
