Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
