why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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