I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
