maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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