if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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