im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
