Will you blow on my dice?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
