new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
