Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
