I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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