Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I think i got beer on your cat.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
