I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
