I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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