My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
