My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
