you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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