State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
