Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
