Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
