: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
no, he came in my armpit
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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