We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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