I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
