remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
