Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
