god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
