I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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