I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
