Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
