so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
