Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
