he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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