I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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