went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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