things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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