I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
