I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
