why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
