I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
